Hope and Stay

It's been awhile - this space has been quiet - it needed time to rest.  After Emme's passing, there wasn't much to add.  But today, I want to try and add hope to this little blog and tell how much hope we have in our adoption journey.  This blog was started to chronicle the adoption journey of our family and to remember all the trials, joys and heartache that went along with that.  I needed to take a little time before moving forward here because I needed to just feel all that we were feeling.  Losing Emme was so very sad.  Tragic even.  The circumstances that surrounded her passing, leaving us ready to bring a child home, then leaving us empty, was very hard.  There were lots of questions.  Many we still don't have answers to and may never have answers to.  Some things we will never understand.  But we know that we fought for her - yes, we fought for Emme.  She will forever be a part of our hearts and family.  Her little picture rests next to her sister's and brother's pictures on my shelf and I see the very first image we had of her as I walk by.  It's the only one where she is sort of smiling.

I'm not sure how people without faith get through difficult times.  Without our faith, this would be so much harder.  Yet, we aren't walking this path alone! God's been with us this whole time and is holding us up through our trials.  He is our hope and stay.  He is writing this story, it's His story after all.  All the prayers of others has given us so much comfort. 

I bought this rose a day after Emme passed, and when it started to open, I had to capture it - I wanted to hold onto it's beauty in remembrance of her sweet spirit.  I thought she would touch many hearts when she came home, but in talking with others after they heard our news, it blew us away how many hearts she had touched and none of us ever met her.  Meeting her in Heaven one day, is going to bring me great joy.  The day I finally get to hold her.  We plan to plant a rose bush as soon as the weather warms up this Spring in her memory.

Our adoption journey isn't over, we still plan to adopt.  We just have a little extra time now.  God has been working out an amazing story, one we couldn't see before now.  Now we see it and it's awe-some.  There's another little girl waiting for us now and she's very special to us.  She deserves her own post - which I'll do a little later.  Hope, there's so much hope.  There's a verse that has been helping us get through that I'd like to share here.

In Romans 8:28, it says "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  He loves us, sees us, and wants good for us.  So much hope in that.

And because there was a special Valentine's retreat (for parents only) this year which involved a concert featuring Stephen Curtis Chapman, I'm sharing this video.  A special song - because we know we will see you one day.

For Emme

(Written by Emme's biggest, big sister- Melissa)

 Just typing that precious, beautiful name brings me straight to tears. Two days ago we found out that our sweet Emelia Rose Ai Ni (Emme) went home. Really home. Not to our family’s home where we imagined we would get to see her grow up and know what it’s like to have a mom and a dad and six siblings who love her more than words can say. She skipped right over our home and went straight to be with Jesus. She went straight to her eternal heavenly home, where her broken little body is now perfect in every way. She now knows just how loved she is… By us, and most of all by Jesus.

When we were first hit with the news that Emme had gone to be with Jesus, I was completely heartbroken, overcome with grief, and to be honest, I was angry. I didn’t want to be angry, but I was. The entire night questions were racing through my mind…Why would God do something like this? What if  Emme had never had surgery in China… would things be different, and would she still be here? Why wouldn’t God let Emme come home to us? What if the orphanage had let us come to get Emme sooner? Why would God put this little girl in our lives, If He planned to take her away from us like this before we were even able to go to China and get her?? Truth is that we could ask all the “whys” and “what ifs”  that we want to- they don’t change what happened. . . And as I’ve had the last couple days to reflect and really process this situation, I’m finally beginning to see what God did through Emme’s life, And why He did what He did.

Through Emme, God showed us what it means to love dangerously. Loving Emme was not safe. At all. Her heart was very sick, and we knew from the very moment that we were matched with her, that we could lose her at anytime. But we chose to love her with all of our hearts anyway. Because she deserved to be loved that much.

God also showed us how to really obey and trust Him throughout Emme’s adoption. As soon as we saw the picture of an adorable little girl sitting on a plastic green seahorse, with bumble bees on her tiny toes looking back at us from the computer screen, we knew deep in our hearts that she was the one God wanted us to make a part of our family. And even though the severity of Emme’s very complex heart condition made us fearful, we trusted God with all our hearts (Proverbs 3:5-6), and kept in mind His promise- that He will never give us more than we can handle. So we obeyed what God told us to do, and I believe that in many ways The Lord confirmed to us that we were on the right path all throughout this journey. Even though Emme is in Heaven now, and we never got to hold her in our arms, I will never question our decision to work and fight towards being Emme’s family. I know with every part of me that God put Emme in our lives for a reason… wanting her and loving her was not a mistake. We obeyed and trusted God, and our reward was being able to love Emme during her short little life here on earth. Loving Emme was a beautiful gift… and after all “there is no greater gift than Love.”

I could go on and on about my youngest little sister… She had the most beautiful, big brown eyes I have ever seen before in my life. The quote “The eyes are the window to the soul” is very true. Emme’s eyes were the window to her soul. Through those big brown eyes I could tell she was sad, lonely, scared, longing to be loved, and strong. Although I never got to meet her, I know she was a very strong little girl. She had to be. She experienced so much sadness and pain in her little life then any child should ever have to face. Our sweet girl had a smile that melted our hearts. She was so precious, and so loved.

Although my heart hurts so much over the loss of our Emme, I’m finding comfort in knowing that she’s not in pain anymore. She’s not lying in a cold metal crib for hours upon hours, or in a hospital hooked up to machines. She’s not suffering anymore... She’s perfect now! And her broken little body has been made new. She knows how much we love her. Emme is with Jesus for eternity, and there is so much peace in knowing that one day we will get to be there too… With her, and with our Savior.

Sweet Emme Rose, We love you so very much! We will hold you in our hearts forever.    

Angel wings

I've tried to write this in my head many times and to say it is hard...isn't near enough.  Our sweet Emme has earned her angel wings. She has passed away.  We got the call late Monday night. We are heartbroken. 

Now she finally knows how very much she was loved by us and that she had a family, with a brother and sisters who prayed for her every day. For seven months, almost to the day, we had so much hope for her. For all the friends and family that prayed along with us for most of this past year, our prayers did not go unanswered. We prayed for God to hold her and to make her little heart new. We prayed for a miracle when our travel was delayed last month. This wasn't how we thought He would answer, but now she is being held by perfect hands and resting in perfect arms with her little heart made new. Her Heavenly Father loves her so much. 

I wish I could tell you all what happened. But all I know is that she was very ill and once she was finally taken to the hospital, she wasn't able to be helped there any more. It's tragic and very sad. Circumstances, a fallen world, pain. We fought for her every step of the way through medical expedites, and trying to get her outside help. But ultimately, we had no control over anything. He had plans far greater than ours and now her little heart is made new. 

Sweet Emme,

We love you so much. We will never hold you this side of Heaven, kiss your sweet head, or rock you to sleep. You will never sleep in the pink crib we had ready for you or be wrapped in your special Mama-made blanket. And we ache knowing this. So we hold tight to the knowledge that you will forever be in our hearts. Right where you grew. You will always be our Sweet Emelia Rose Aini - our precious daughter. 

And we will find comfort that His plan is a good plan, and we will trust Him, even when we feel lost. We know he brought you into our hearts for a purpose, sweet girl. We were honored to be considered your family. 

I can't begin to say how much you changed us - from the inside out - the changes we have made as a family will forever be made. Because of you. We are so glad we were given the chance to love you, fight for you, pray for you and hope for you. 

May you sleep now, forever in Heavenly Peace, perfectly healed in your eternal Father's arms. 

Loving you always,

Your Mama, Daddy, Sisters and Brother

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."  James 1:17